Avoiding “He said,” “She said” –
How to Fight Fair
For some couples, it can be an effective way of clearing the air. But for others, it can signal doom for the entire relationship. Although arguments can be very unpleasant, it is always critical that you get your point across without escalating tensions and causing hurt feelings. Therefore, here are a few easy steps to a constructive arguing technique:
The scene: Your guests are due to arrive in only a half an hour. You survey your apartment, horrified to find the socks, shorts and t-shirts of your better half still strewn everywhere. You are definitely not in the mood for a scavenger hunt— especially when the object of your search is not treasure, but bound for the washing machine. Last night, your “roommate” promised you he would take care of it, but now it seems “something came up”— and not for the first time. Your anger mounts. “He’ll get an earful when he gets home!” you mutter. Your next fight is inevitable.
Arguing is actually healthy. A constructive fight is like thunder: It clears the air in the relationship and helps both parties reach harmony once again. Those who stifle their anger risk blowing matters out of proportion when pent up negative feelings run wild.
There are several reasons why we fight. For example, we may fight about disorder in the home, but also money, kids, free time, vacation, sex and relatives. The tactics for avoiding conflict vary among the sexes. Men tend to withdraw and wait out problems. This strategy has a good reason: If men avoid conflicts, they feel better physically. The opposite is true for women.
Alone…Together
Long term and happy relationships thrive most of all on the ability of the partners to deal constructively with conflicts. Unfortunately, only the minority of couples is successful, and rising divorce rates providing ample proof. Today, it seems simpler for many to end the relationship than to engage in difficult disputes. Or partners tend to withdraw and just give in. When couples no longer confront their conflicts, they tend to live as a lonely twosome without ever being able to connect.
Accepting Boundaries
Admittedly: Being able to argue fairly and productively is not a guarantee that the relationship will remain intact. Couples who have just met and build destructive patterns immediately will most likely part ways. In addition, some conflicts that so serious that they can’t be solved in a way that both partners can live with.
Another problem: Many fights are not predicated upon what triggered the conflict. Often we fight first and foremost to gain acceptance and respect—and secondly because your partner forgot to screw the toothpaste cap back on. These conflicts rest upon a so called “relationship level.” If on things are well attuned the relationship level, i.e., if partners love and respect one another, it is easy to turn the fight into something positive. However, if conflicts have to do with the relationship itself, conflicts quickly become a tug of war, with partners only fighting over which one is right. Those who want to achieve happiness must accept that there are limits to harmony. Sometimes it is really best to leave the relationship and take a chance at a new beginning. Also, with regard to the success of the fight, make sure to lower your expectations. A “good outcome” does not always mean that a solution be found immediately. Couples in healthy relationships simply do not become too set on resolving every problem, and according to surveys smooth out only one third of their difficulties. The rest are simply absorbed into the partnership.
Fighting with kid gloves
What is meant by a “constructive” fight? In addition to the actual rules of communication there are two fundamental principles: First, make sure to express your displeasure in a timely manner. Forgive and forget old news that is more than six weeks old. Secondly, make sure to refer to concrete situations. Vague accusations are not credible and also difficult for your partner to comprehend. In addition, when you use hurtful words, it often triggers a counterattack and only heightens the conflict. Your argumentation should always begin with yourself. Instead of sending a “you” message, make sure to use an “I” message. For example, in the scenario at the beginning, if the man comes home and has neglected to pick up, it is not constructive it to go on the attack and hurl accusations about how unreliable he is. Much more useful would be to explain that upon discovering the remnants of this “chaos,” it made you feel angry and disappointed because it left you very little time until your guests arrived and you still had other things to take care of. Most importantly, in order to avoid repeat situations, it is important that you express what you want. Therefore, tell him that you would like more support in the future when it comes to housekeeping because you otherwise feel left on your own. This sentiment will not be perceived as an attack by your partner, and chances are good that you can come to an agreement. With more complex problems, it is recommended that you repeat your wishes. This ensures that you are understood and your partner is listening. Also, dial down the tempo of your discussion in order to prevent a heated exchange.
